I skipped work to stalk him.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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