Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
