oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
