Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
