last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
