You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
