When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
