I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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