Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
