You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
