I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
