yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize