my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I skipped work to stalk him.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
