I think my fart just growled at me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
