So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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