ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
