dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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