3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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