i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
