Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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