I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
God, I missed his penis.
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