Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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