May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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