"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
