I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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