I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There r osticjed everywhere
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
