I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
