you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
