I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize