it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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