my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
