Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
