So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
