I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
