she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
