i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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