I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
