I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
