Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
