I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i love accidental penises.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
