Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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