wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Drake has all the answers
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
