was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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