totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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