so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
