You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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