Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
