Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
