i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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