i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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