i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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