I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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