I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
