There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
