Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
