I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
