I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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