i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
