The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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