On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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